From Whatever to Whateverything

I remember being young and so excited about different things, like a new book, something I wrote, or even a show. In middle and high school, my show was the Vampire Diaries and like clockwork, every Thursday night I would claim the TV for myself to watch witches, warlocks and vampires. I was so obsessed I called it my VDS, Vampire Diaries Session. When I am genuinely excited about something, it consumes me, filling me with jittery anxiety until I can steal someone’s ear and tell them all about it.

Unfortunately, when that excitement or interest is not shared, I come crashing down and the excitement that once lifted me up turns into disappointment that weighs heavily on my soul. To be clear, I am not just talking about VDS. This predicament also occurs when I want to share my hopes and dreams, my feelings and fears, and everything that I hold dear to my heart. I understand that people have different interests, however it is very discouraging when I am excited about a poem I wrote and the only thing I want to do is share it to those around me; and those people appear to pay more attention to their phone or looks genuinely disinterested about the words you are reciting. It’s discouraging; its dehumanizing; its belittling.

These small acts of disinterest accumulate into a big ball of self-doubt in my heart. My self-talk and confidence is affected and leads me to hide my God-given talent. I convince myself that no one wants to hear my words and no one cares about the ideas in my head. So, when family repeatedly close themselves off from me, I say a gaslit and passive phrase that reflects my heavy heart: ‘It’s whatever’. If no one wants to hear my stories, it’s whatever. If no one wants to come see my plays, its whatever. If no one supports me in my photography business, don’t acknowledge my work, and support other people over me … it is whatever.

Because I have become passive when it came to others supporting me, I have become passive within myself and acknowledging how I truly feel. When I am depressed and tired from working without acknowledgment, when I am overlooked and ignored, and when I am last on everyone’s list, I have reduced it to being whatever. My feelings, my dreams, my goals is not whatever; it is whateverything. Reframing my mind to substitute it’s whatever to its whateverything is an important transition in my life mentally and spiritually.

So, whateverything is going on with me? A transition.

My goals are changing, not just because a lack of support, but a lack of resources. When I dream, I dream big. Four years ago, on November 19, 2022, I drafted my business plan for Key Raw Entertainment, a culmination of all my passions that I love – reading, writing, editing and producing. It was going to be a doorway to lead me to writing and directing films. However, I needed the support of my family. So, when I got paid from JC Penney, I went to Office Depot and printed out copies of my business plan that I handed and placed in the hand of every family member. Fast forward, my excitement dwindled and my disappointment swelled.

However, just because family let me down doesn’t mean I have to stay stagnant. Some dreams require a transformation and may look different than what I even imagined. I have been an active volunteer at Gainesville Community Playhouse for almost a year and connected with directors and actors. My plan is to work the system, fill roles as a stage manager, and eventually director. Obtain extensive experience with directing and different roles in theater. Pitch an original play and recruit actors to shoot a short film. Submit my works to contests, such as Sundance Film Festival, and pitch a feature film to a major production company. I will do all of this while working on publishing books and applying for writing fellowships.

The goal is still the same. The pathway just changed.

The most important thing for me to remember is that none of this is possible without crazy faith in the Lord. My faith has struggled in the past, but I refuse to falter anymore. The only constant that has held me up and covered me is God. Moving forward I must believe in myself because lack of faith in me is a lack of faith in God. During a sermon, my pastor said a statement that I have reflected on ever since I heard it: “Gifts from God belongs to God, no matter how big or small. So, since it belongs to God you must treat it like it belongs to God.” My writing and creativity is a gift from God; they belong to God, so I must treat it like it is of God. No more doubting my writing. No more being scared to post about my writing. I am going to step about my God-given talent because God always stepped about me.

I am transitioning into a new era of being. So, I must protect my peace and my mental. Sometimes, due to years of trepidation and anxiety, my mind had been wired to automatically feed my dreams with doubts. However, I deserve better than that. When reading Doctor Sleep, King wrote about how Rose or Abra would be able to far-see, astral-looking or far-being, astral-traveling into the other. Generally, when one would astral-travel into the other, it is unwanted and potentially dangerous. So, in response, they would have to perform and engage in a type of psychic combat that requires a mental push and effort to turn away. In essence, when a negative thought travels into my mind, it is unwanted and potentially dangerous and to get the thorn out, I must engage in psychic combat that requires a mental push and effort.

I am not planning on pretending on being perfect or like I don’t have fears or doubts anymore. But I will face them in combat and protect myself by any means necessary. Because I am worthy and deserving of whateverything comes my way.