Struggling Through Genesis

I am going to be brutally and unadulteratedly honest to myself and to God about my faith. I believe that is the only way that I can truly grow in my relationship with God and as a child of God. So, truthfully I am struggling through Genesis, the first book of the Bible. I have been stuck on this book since the beginning of the year. Like everyone else, I set out goals for myself for the New Years. Perhaps delusionally , I expect myself to get them done while not considering who I am as a person. I am a bed rotter at times. I am avoidant and easily overwhelmed. I am someone who can be easily thrown off focus. Looking back to when i set my goals, I would have expected to be further along in the Bible, in my business & writing, and in my savings. But instead, I have been struggling through reading the book of Genesis for the past ten months. I have been struggling to jumpstart my business and finish writing a novel. I have been struggling to stay focused on my savings goal, especially when I want to spend my sorrows away. What I really would like to know is why? Why do I struggle the way I do? Why do I remain stuck in one place for months? Why can I not focus and trust in the Lord? I do not know how to answer these questions. More so, I do not want to answer them incorrectly. There could be a million reasons and answers to these questions. What one in the million is the correct answer? Possibly, I could struggle the way I do because I lack faith. I lack faith in God's process and His plan set for me in life. I lack faith because I want to control the when, where, and how of every damn thing. I lack faith because I cannot honestly say I have ever held a lot of faith in God. I was made to go to church and be physically present. However, I never allowed myself to be mentally present at church or to God. I don't think I have ever opened my mind to Him and fully allowed Him to use me because I am so damn controlling and worrisome. I always think of the absolute worst possibility to everything. I can't trust in the process because I am scared of failing. I am scared of not being good enough and not living up to the standard that I and others have set. I believe I struggle through Genesis because the end result of me reading all the way through to Revelations would be change. My mouth says it wants change, but I still feel a resistance in my heart and I think that is what's holding me back from moving on to Exodus. I have this version or standard of the perfect Christian in my mind and if I can not live up to it, my fears of not being good enough will ring true. So, this is where I am at today with my faith and myself.
STUCK IN PLACE!